Not a soul cares anyway especially the ones that matter so why bother.

What is what is lost can never be found? When I pour my heart out it seems to be just words now. I guess I’m done with pouring and spilling. For now on i guess ill just have to seal the bottle with gorilla glue and hope to hell it stays closed then. I don’t know what to do anymore, how to make things better. Then again i seem to be the only one who feels things are out of place. I wonder whats broken can it really be fixed or put back together again? Oh who cares anyway I don’t even know why I’m typing this no one on here is going to give two shits about it anyway. Everyone is just going to skim past this ridiculous amount of words and that’s nothing new to me lately anyways. I guess i give up. I mean nothing more i can do, or say. All it seems i can do is annoy people and feel like a worthless piece of shit. Well I am done wasting my time typing how i feel when its not going to get any different of a reaction than me saying it. 

Is this lost hope….

Why am I such a burden to the one who claims they love me? Why does it seem I’m the only one who wants this relationship? Why am I neglected by you? Why do you feel i crave so much attention when all I really want it you expressing how much you love me no matter what like you have once before. I have become such a nuisance to everyone and no one cares. My father isn’t even really that to me not now not ever. My mother treats me like some extra unwanted appendage. My fiance doesn’t seem to want me around almost ever. My animals keep running away. Have I become some kind of freak show who is to blind to see? Or have I just become some monster that I’ve never wished to be? 

Not living in the past is something we are supposed to do yet the past is what brought us here today and when i reflect back i  cant seem to find the answers to my rejection. You would think once you have been rejected so many times that it would no longer affect how you feel, well that’s a lie! Once upon a time we were happy, we were glowing, really glowing. Now, now we are dull but not in the aspect of becoming boring but int he aspect of fading. Fading away with no true direction or motive to why. At least last time I knew. 

My mother and I were once best friends, I was once a daddy’s little girl, I was once the apple of his eye the one thing he hated going without. Now my mother and I have become rivals, my father and I have become strangers, and my lover and I have become quiet and distant. This distance between everyone has caused so much pain that I myself seem to have drifted for the outer edge. Just wondering when the cliff will be approached. Having this baby on the way is supposed to be one of the happy things and don’t get me wrong i’m not only stoked but afraid. Afraid that once he actually arrives will I become more of a nothing to my love or will he actually care more. Our friend says he would view me better with more respect but is that really how he will view me? 

Happiness, joy, eagerness, excitement, love, anticipation are things we always used to feel in every type of relationship; parental and intimate. Yet I see we seem to only feel anger, frustration, fear, and impatience. What has caused this drastic change, what has caused this unfamiliar pain? How can I get it to stop, well will it fade to grey? I have never been so stressed or depressed in my life. I went from never crying to crying myself to sleep which i barely sleep now-a-days anyway which says something. 

I know it seems like a lot of self pity and insecurities, but these things aren’t meant to be taken that way at all they are simply feelings that I seem to be a burden when expressed. How can you hide fear and insecurities from the ones you love so much without being put down? My stomach is always in knots and not because of the baby. These knots are those knots you get when you are to nervous to go to school on the first day of middle school. With questions like; will I even have friends, what if they don’t like me, where do i sit at lunch, how do i introduce myself? 

I’ve seemed to have lost myself along this road of pain and I don’t know if the rescue mission will be successful anymore. Back to fighting a war against everyone with no inventory. How? How do I make it out of this agony alive and with everyone having a smile in their hearts? 

I used to know who to confide in and now i don’t even seem to have myself. Is this lost hope?…..





when my kids ask where babies come from im just gonna show them this gif


jesus christ



(via encourage)